A Day in the Brain of Alex

Humans are weird.
Like severely weird.
Like toxically, criminally weird.
What is it with them putting their oversized heads in cat faces and into cat bodies?
And the kisses!
And this one seems to love sticking her nose into where I JUST cleaned my furs!
Really, human?
CAN’T YOU SEE IM TRYING TO GET CLEAN!?!
And this one can’t stop at one kiss, it’s gotta be SEVEN.
Or even worse, MULTIPLES of seven!
And this thing they call “hugging” – uh NO.
I don’t like being held, squeezed, grabbed, or any of those other weird things.
And where’s all my food?
I swear! She’s rationing my food like I’m fat!
I’d like to see her try to catch me!

This is NOT the face of a FAT cat.
And back to that kissing thing…
She says to me, “there’s not much of you I WON’T kiss” and then says something about not kissing my “nether regions.”
Seriously human?
I don’t even want you kissing my FACE!
And then she says “what I said was a figure of speech.”
How in the name of Bast is speech supposed to be in a figure?
No wonder the one before me just went limp with her!
There’s no winning, there’s no understanding her…
But I’m not giving up that easy!

Curzon here.
Let me school you young whippersnapper. You hit the lottery dude. Free health care for life. TWO humans that love you beyond the moon and back (especially mama). Daddy gives the BEST scritches, pets, and rubs. You will get as much food as you NEED, because if you eat too much, you get too big, then your body starts to fall apart. You don’t want that, neither does the humans. Mama gives those hugs and kisses because that’s how humans show affection. You came from a wild, crazy previous existence, having to know when to run and when to attack. Those days of hiding under bushes and scraping around for food are over, buddy. Even if mama runs out of green papers, she’ll go without food before she lets you go hungry. And, the best part about it, if a rodent or bug comes inside, you can still hunt and kill it! Mama will give you extra treats for killing spiders, I promise! That’s her weakness. She hates them things, and it’s actually quite hilarious watching her reaction to them! Take it from me and my sister. Enjoy this life you’ve gotten buddy. Watch the birdies and the deer from warmth and safety. Mama will keep taking you outside, and perhaps with time once you learn to stay by her side or at your front door, you won’t even be getting hitched up to that torture device she calls a harness! Honestly I don’t know why you’re protesting the collar more than the harness! You really should take the time to get to know daddy better too. I know you’re a little sensitive, but a little at a time and you’ll be okay, I promise. We’re all so proud of you and the progress you’ve made in the last six months bud. I knew you’d be the perfect next cat to become part of our Clan. You’ve not proven me wrong.

Signed,
Curzon, Jadzia, Nimbus, Snowflake, Ollie, Shadow, Astro, Angel, Obnoxio, and the rest of the clan and our significant others.

Woah, there IS a whole family that came before me!? No wonder the humans always seem to know things…

4 thoughts on “A Day in the Brain of Alex

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